Review Analysis
ALBERT wrote:
Okay, I stumbled upon this just randomly two das ago, and forced myself to read the entire thing. And my gosh, you really need to check this story, Harudo is kind of a Gary Stu for crying out loud! Look, Harudo = Japanese name, right? British accent = Great Britain, it doesn't fit together!
You may consider rewriting this and give him some form of background! If he's pure nritish he can't have a name like Harudo, please!
The concept with having 12 pokéballs at once is rather unique, but it confuses the reader, as I noticed in one review. And another quick thing, stop reviewing your own story! That REALLY puts readers off! Mostly because when readers see that 'Oh, this story has plenty of reviews, gotta check it!' And it turns out that roughly a third of them are reviews by YOU!
But back to the Pokémon, they have absolutely no personality, they're like... robots... war machines, shame on you! And you got way too many of them, although they are located in this 'Sanctuary' where they relax and have a good time, but you mostly focus on one team. It was a little rash to catch such a high amount of Pokémon, they count sa characters too, you know.
And about the part where Harudo is called a Gary Stu is because he's VERY overpowered! It seems he doesn't possess any kind of flaw. He never loses, let me tell you one thing: Everybody loses, EVERYBODY loses sometime in their life! No matter how good you are, you always lose sometime!
During these two temples, he only has experienced one near death experience, and the enemies should mainly go for him since he is THE threat!
But back to the HERO, to me he looks like some jind of 13-15 year old Animé fanboy who has longed to say those things to the bad guys (Jessie & James, where he insulted them, and Butch Cassidy, where he made fun of their motto). You really wished you were in the animé, don't you? Okay a little flamy there. Sorry.
Now for the Pokémon part (the real reason why Pokémon fanfiction exists for, to write about THE Pokémon, not some twerpy Ash & co) they seem rather, flat, yeah, that's the word. They accept Harudo to fast, not that that is a problem, but some could be more, renegade at the beginning. And at one chapter, with the Extreme Battle against the bug trainer, I got very shocked when his new three Pokémon didn't care that much of that they lost their formaer trainer.
What? They just don't care? He didn't even said good bye to his Pokémon? What an ass, really. And Scyther (my favoutite Pokémon, mind you) really should've won that match against Chikorita, look, Scyther has a DOUBLE resistance against Grass attacks, AND it was at a higher level, AND MUCH FASTER!! *Calms down* Scyther would've made Ceasar Salad of Chikorita, or it (We never know the gender since they're som many) should never stoop so low to serve a trainer with such LOUSY skills at battling if the Bug trainer couldn't even win with double type advantage.
That really upset me, because you really showed me that from your view, Pokémon doesn't seem to have any kind of EMOTION! Not those three to the least, nut Beedrill and Butterfree seem to have some kind of character (Beedrill was jealous of Butterfree, but it ended to quickly). Those three Pokémon that Harudo won should have been depressed, or angered (Especially Scyther, whose honour must have been critically wounded) but no, no, they just said that they accepted Harudo as their master at once, eww...
Other than that, try to give more LIFE, and let us readers see the STRUGGLE, we need to experience some bad days, let us think dark thoughts about some characters so you just want to rip their heads off. Butplease stop typing the stats of the Pokémo nin ever single bloody chapter! To me it's a lame excuse of making a long chapter more wordy.
Saving the world, over used plot, but I can accept that, it's okay with me. Because even the fact that let's you know the protagonist won't fail, I like it, but put in some SUSPENSE, some HORROR, you handle side plots very well, but make them a little bigger.
But don't let this affect you, I'm just an anonymus reviewr who's to wimpy to tell you who he really is.
Signing out.
//Albert
I'll be explaning Scyther, Pinsir and Heracross's back story in a bit but think on this Al just because you assume one thing doesn't mean it's the right one... what if Wayne was in fact a bad trainer who constantly lose and blames it on one of the three superbugs.
I don't mind that I've chosen the plot but despite the fact that you think there is a lack of suspense and horror that can easily change... with each temple comes different challenges requiring different solutions.
The pokemon situation as you call it... well let's think of this as a mix between the games and the anime plus my view on how things should go and you will have the end result.
I will take your reviews under consideration.
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